As Much As I Loved This Night
by lovelyego
Summary: One-shot set right after Prom Queen. Kurt contemplates the night and fills Finn in on what happened, and ends up having a conversation they should have had long ago concerning the Theatricality issues. Rated T for language.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Glee nor do I wish to take credit for any of the characters.**

It was much cooler outside the gym than Kurt had expected it to be, he realized as he pushed the door open. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that he had gotten quite warm in his suit, and that temperature contrasted quite a lot with the chilly Ohio night outside. The suit was fabulous and he knew he had done an excellent job tailoring it after his thin body, but one thing was for sure – it was not the most comfortable or breezy outfit he ever put together. He shrugged a little but smiled as he turned to his boyfriend and reached out for his hand. Blaine took it, smiled back and squeezed Kurt's hand before he said anything. They heard the door close with a clicking sound and walked quietly towards the parking lot.  
>"Are you sure you want to leave already, Kurt? I bet there's still like, half an hour's worth of dancing left and…"<br>"Yeah, I'm sure", Kurt interrupted Blaine with a reassuring smile. "I'm sure. Look, as much as I… as much as I…"  
>He raised his left hand, the one not holding Blaine's but clenching a plastic sceptre, and reached out for the crown still resting on his head. He touched it lightly, as if just to reassure himself it really happened. It was there, as solid as ever, and he let his hand fall back to his side again, the sceptre almost dangling in his hand. His smile did not disappear as much as it turned itself into a slightly wry version of itself.<br>"As much as I loved this night, Blaine", Kurt finally said, fixating Blaine's eyes, "and as much as I am proud of everything we've… accomplished tonight, because we really did and I hope you know how much you mean to me and how extraordinary you were tonight… as much as I loved this night it was… it was a long night and I… I think I might have to explain why my tiara collection just got a new addition to my dad and it won't be pretty."  
>Blaine chuckled and pulled Kurt into a tight hug.<br>"You were brilliant tonight, Kurt", he then said. "And thank you, thank you so much."  
>"For what?"<br>"I think you just might have removed that lump from my throat."  
>Kurt tightened the embrace.<br>"I have no idea what I would have done without you tonight", he said and loosened his grip around Blaine and kissed him lightly. "Now", he said and smiled again, "let's get you home."  
>Hand in hand they walked to the parking lot. They only let go so Blaine could get the car key from his pocket. Blaine opened the door and slithered into the driving seat, and looked up at Kurt who still hadn't gotten into the car.<br>"Aren't you coming?"  
>Kurt bit his lip and sighed.<br>"I think I should find Finn. I mean, I think he's around, he took my car here and it's still here". Kurt nodded towards the other side of the parking lot. "I'll go home with him. I think he might need a friend right now, I mean, the only one who left with him was Jesse, and I really don't think…"  
>"Yeah", Blaine said and nodded. He leaned out of his car again, looking up at his boyfriend, suddenly with a bit of worry clearly visible in his eyes. "But Kurt, do me a favor. Let me stay here with you until you find him, because… because I… I don't want you to… I mean, after the… the Sady Hawkins…"<br>Kurt hushed him and gently stroked his cheek.  
>"Blaine, of course you can stay, and I promise you, nothing bad is going to happen to me now, I don't think… honestly, I think they all kind of know they've already put me through quite a lot tonight. You can stay - I'll just try to get a hold of Finn."<br>Kurt smiled, got his phone up and called his step brother.

Finn wasn't far away. He was sitting in the school yard on a bench by the dumpster, staring into the night. Kurt had not really been surprised at Finn's gloomy tone when he answered the call, after all he got kicked out of his own prom. Kurt could tell just by the short and snappy way Finn said hello in his ear that he didn't really want to talk to anyone. But Kurt knew better than anyone that what you want isn't always what you need, so he made Finn tell him where he was in the easiest way he knew – by snapping back at him. He hung up as soon as he got Finn to mumble the location.  
>Blaine accompanied Kurt until he could see the crouching, tall figure on the bench that was unmistakably Finn. Kurt could tell Blaine still was a little tense, but who could blame him. Kurt knew that school yards and parking lots combined with proms and dances would always make Blaine uncomfortable. Kurt felt a sting in his heart when he thought about it, the little he knew about the Sady Hawkins dance that messed it all up. Kurt just squeezed Blaine's hand a little tighter.<br>"Okay", Kurt said and turned to Blaine. "I guess this is goodnight. Finn is right over there so I doubt that I'm in any danger, and I can still see the parking lot so I'll be able to make sure you get there very safely too." Kurt giggled a little.  
>"Sound's like a good enough plan for me", Blaine said and Kurt could feel him loosen up, could see the frowning eyebrows smoothening. "It really was an extraordinary night, Kurt."<br>"That would be an accurate description, yes", Kurt answered and kissed Blaine goodnight. He then gave his boyfriend a playful push. "Now go home!"  
>He heard Blaine giggle aswell when he made the walk back to his car. Kurt waited until he heard the engine start and waved goodbye. He couldn't see him but he knew Blaine smiled to himself in the car.<br>Kurt turned around and walked the last bit to Finn, twirling his sceptre.  
>"Hey there", he tried when he stood right in front of his step brother, knowing that Finn probably hadn't even noticed him yet. Judging by the murky but surprised look he got, he might even have forgotten that Kurt ever called.<br>"Oh", Finn said. "Kurt."  
>Kurt sat down on the bench, even poked him with the sceptre to make Finn move over a little to the side.<br>"Look", Kurt started. "I know it must have sucked getting kicked out and all, but… prom isn't all it's cracked up to be."  
>"Yeah right", Finn snorted.<br>"No really Finn, it isn't."  
>"Yeah right, am I supposed to believe that? You had a great time, Kurt, I saw you, you had an awesome time, don't try to…"<br>"Finn, look at me", Kurt broke in. He smirked at his step brother as he straightened his back, the prom queen crown feeling heavier than it did just a moment ago. Finn just looked at him confused, not understanding what it was Kurt was trying to show him. He never was much of an attentive person.  
>"What?" he finally asked, annoyance clearly audible in his voice. Kurt rolled his eyes.<br>"Come on Finn, look at me."  
>Finn stared at the slender boy in front of him yet again. Still no reaction.<br>"What?" he asked again, almost angry. He wasn't up for Kurt's silliness just now.  
>"Come on, Finn", Kurt said, hurt showing in his eyes for the first time since they started talking, and flinged his arms about. "I even poked you with the fricking sceptre. Don't tell me you don't notice anything I'm wearing, don't tell me it blends in that well, that would just be… really, really depressing."<br>Finn finally realized what it was Kurt tried to make him focus on. His facial expression went from gloomy to clueless.  
>"Kurt, is that… is that… a crown? Kurt what the fuck man, this is insane, you're prom king?" Finn threw himself of the bench, almost twisting his body, hands on his head, seemingly not knowing how to take the news. Kurt just felt his heart cramp. It was like a punch to the stomach. Prom king. Finn thought he was prom king. "Dude, I've gotta say I did not see that coming, but congrats, I mean, I'll admit I am kinda jealous but… oh my god, who were prom queen? Oh my god man, this is huge, but how did it happen? I mean no offense but you're not really that popular and…"<br>Finn stopped in the middle of his fast rambling when he turned around and looked at Kurt's face and saw the tears streaming down his pale skin. Kurt was shaking, feeling stupid. Feeling so incredibly stupid. Of course that was what Finn would think, that his brother was crowned prom king, how did Kurt not see that coming? How did he not see any of this coming tonight? How did he not know that it was bound to be a disastrous night, how did he not even get it when he saw principal Figgins' eyes darken up on the stage just before he announced the results? He should never have talked Blaine into this. They should have just gone to a movie instead.  
>"What, Kurt, what's wrong, don't cry, shit, I didn't mean to make you cry. I didn't mean it that way, I didn't mean no one liked you, I didn't mean you didn't deserve to be prom king, you do man, I just… Oh, fuck. Why do I keep messing things up with you?"<br>Finn sat down again, awkwardly, trying to pat Kurt's back but hesitated so much he didn't get even halfway there. Kurt sobbed.  
>"Kurt, I'm sorry, I don't know why I always end up doing that, hurting your feelings, I just…"<br>"No Finn", Kurt said, voice thick with crying. "It's really not you, that's… that's n-n-not why I'm… Finn…" He looked up at Finn through his tear-filled now almost red eyes. Finn was almost nothing but a blur behind the tears. "I wasn't crowned prom king. Karofsky was."  
>"But", Finn said, still completely clueless. "Then why do you have the prom king crown and the… "<br>"This isn't the p-prom k-king crown, Finn! Okay? It's the _prom queen_ crown."  
>Kurt could tell by the naïve look Finn gave him that he still didn't get it. Kurt closed his eyes, knowing that he would have to explain it better to Finn. Finn wasn't stupid. He was just very, very gullible. He also knew that Finn would not be able to help himself and that yet another very stupid question would soon be hanging in the air between them. Kurt tried to prepare himself for it, tried to not feel the question like another blow to his stomach. It didn't really help. It felt like a violent locker slam when Finn uttered the words. At least Kurt saw it coming this time around.<br>"Did you… borrow it from Santana? 'Cause that doesn't really seem like her, she…"  
>"Finn, for fuck's sake", Kurt cried out, louder than he meant it. "Santana isn't prom queen. I am, okay?"<br>It was the first time Finn heard Kurt swear, but he hardly noticed it. He was too busy staring at Kurt's terrified, tormented face to concentrate. Finn turned his gaze away from Kurt, feeling sick just from looking at the hurt in Kurt's eyes.  
>"I'm prom queen", Kurt repeated in a low voice, so much unlike his usual high pitched self.<br>"I'm sorry, Kurt."  
>"Don't be", Kurt said, collecting himself, stroking the tears of his cheeks. "I kind of rose above. Showed them they can't touch me" Kurt smiled and sighed. "But you know what? It shouldn't be as big of a deal as it felt like it was, you know. It's not like no one ever pointed out to me before that I'm a queen. I know I'm a sissy, I know I'm a queen. I know I'm a… I know I'm a f… a fag. "<br>Finn almost jumped at the word and Kurt could practically see what flashbacks Finn had at the moment. Kurt immediately felt sorry he ever brought it up. He shouldn't have.  
>"Kurt, don't", Finn pleaded, voice almost cracking. "Don't use that word, not about yourself, not at all, but please don't use it about yourself. You're not a f… fa…, shit, I'm even having trouble saying the word out loud. You're nor a fag, Kurt, you're not. You're gay. There's a difference."<br>Kurt felt new tears streaming down his face.  
>"But to them, Finn, to all of those people in there, who went and voted for me. To them I'm just a fag. You should have seen it, it was madness. The hate. It was overwhelming. They hate me, Finn, because… I'm a fag."<br>"KURT! Stop it!" Kurt flinched at Finn's screaming. He still flinched every time someone screamed, that reflex hadn't really worn off yet ever since the period of intense bullying. He couldn't help himself; he flinched for nothing, convinced that pain was soon to arrive and that whoever raised their voices were really just inches away from hitting him. "Don't say that word, please! You know how bad I feel about it, don't do that!"  
>Kurt said nothing. He just looked into the asphalt and felt his otherwise so impeccable posture lose its grip.<br>"Kurt, I'm really sorry I called you that, you know, that time in your basement."  
>"You didn't call me that though, Finn", said Kurt and wiped the tears of his face temporarily. "It was the lamp. And the blanket."<br>"Kurt, don't do that, I know it was the same thing. Burt was right, when I used that word I was talking about you, I know that, and I really am sorry. I didn't mean it."  
>"I had been an idiot and I deserved it."<br>If Kurt would have looked up at Finn's face he would have seen tears. He didn't.  
>"You weren't innocent, Kurt, but you did not deserve that. It must have hurt so bad. I was supposed to be the good guy and I just… I just…"<br>Kurt hadn't seen the tears but he could hear the thick voice and he could hear the sobbing. When he opened his mouth to speak, he wasn't sure if he tried to be comforting or if he just made it worse.  
>"The first time someone called me a fag I was six years old", he then said and turned his head to look at Finn. "I don't even remember who said it. I didn't even understand the word. So when I got home I asked my dad. I just remember he didn't know what to say, he looked so confused. He was so confused, Finn. He didn't even think kids that young knew that word, and he… he didn't answer me, he just asked me who called me that. And he looked so angry I didn't dare tell him who said it, and then I didn't dare ask ever again. Not even my mum, the entire thing just freaked me out. I mean, I found out what fag meant eventually, but…"<br>He threw a glance at Finn. He was still crying.  
>"I don't know what I'm trying to say, Finn, I don't know where I'm going with this. But the first time someone called me a fag I was six years old. It's not like I've been counting how many times I've been called that ever since, because I didn't really care they called me that."<br>"You should care, Kurt, it's a horrible slur and I hate that you seem so used to it and…"  
>"I've always put myself above everyone that ever called me that, Finn. It's... do you remember the dumpster tosses?"<br>Kurt was surprised at hearing the chuckle in his own voice when he said that. He nodded towards the dumpster. It was right there, still as smelly as Kurt remembered it.  
>"Of course I do… you really want to rub every bad thing I've ever done to you in my face tonight? If you're trying to make me feel better you're failing…"<br>"Shut it", Kurt smiled and hit Finn playfully with the sceptre. "I always put myself above the jocks when they bullied me. I got thrown into the dumpster but I did it with pride. And you were the nice guy, Finn, you held my clothes."  
>"That's not nice. That's just horrible."<br>"Maybe. I still thought it was nice."  
>For a while they didn't say anything. Then Kurt leaned backwards and bit his lip, not sure if it was a good idea to keep up this sudden stream of personal talk. He did it anyway.<br>"There's only a couple of times when I really, really felt hurt because of the slurs. A couple of times when I was a kid, and a few times in high school. Two, to be exact, if I'm not counting what just happened today. Besides, prom queen isn't exactly a slur. It's more…"  
>"Cruelty", Finn filled in, staring blankly at the dumpster.<br>"Yeah. The first time was… You're going to laugh… but, remember the diva off me and Rachel had last year, Defying Gravity? Yeah. You know how I blew the last note? I did it on purpose, because dad got this anonymous phone call, someone telling him his son was a fag. And he kind of freaked, and I thought it would be best if I just… stayed low, you know, didn't sing a girl's song in front of a thousand people. Funny, huh?"  
>"Kurt", Finn said in shock, "why would I laugh at that? That's horrible."<br>"Yeah", Kurt sighed. "I guess."  
>They sat in silence for a while. Finn was the one who broke it.<br>"And the second time?"  
>Kurt laughed, but felt bad the moment he did it. He stopped himself and shrugged. He didn't want to answer his brother but he knew nothing would benefit from not telling the truth.<br>"The basement."  
>Finn didn't say anything. Kurt saw Finn's shoulders getting real tense; saw him getting that numb look he always got when he didn't really want to be part of the conversation. He knew what this was – it was Finn's uncomfortable face – the exact same face he got when Kurt showed off his prom outfit and Burt went on about Kurt just wanting the attention. This was the uncomfortable face, no doubt about it.<br>"I'm sorry", Kurt said, still looking straight at Finn. "But it's the truth. I mean, I get why you said it, I really do. I know you are sorry. But I get why you said it, because I was an idiot. I know I shouldn't have done… any of those things, Finn, and I'm sorry, I just…"  
>Finn still didn't say a word.<br>"You know what, if it makes you feel better, I don't even think I was in love with you. I mean, I was, but not… not that much, it was more… you just were the only guy amongst the jocks who treated me like a human being. And I was just so tired of people… of people telling me I couldn't be me. And when you seemed to see me, I just… I just wanted to be a little closer to you, to prove to myself that maybe I was a human being after all. I'm sorry; I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable. I know I did, you did kind of… make that clear. But I don't think I was in love with you. I just wanted someone to be friendly to me. I didn't actually think you were… I always knew you were straight, you know. God, I'm a terrible comforter. This is just getting worse."  
>"No", Finn finally said. "We should have talked about this like… a year ago."<br>"Yeah."  
>"Go on. I know you had more to say."<br>"I think what really hurt me when you said those things, was… well, first of all you were the guy I actually thought cared about me at least a little, and the moment you said those words it was like… my world fell apart. When you called my décor faggy it was like watching you tear my identity and my efforts to pieces. I know it sounds over dramatic, but that's just me for you. And besides, I was disappointed that you didn't get it. I wasn't trying to spy on you, and I know I seemed flirty but I really just wanted to prove that I wasn't as worthless to all you jocks as they made me feel. I wasn't trying to be inappropriate. I mean… I was still in Lima, Finn. It's not like I would have ever gotten away with actually trying to get a boyfriend."  
>Finn frowned in incomprehension. "What do you mean you 'would have ever gotten away with it', you have a boyfriend now, Kurt."<br>"Yes, and they crowned me prom queen because of it. Didn't really get away with it."  
>Finn looked sad and shook his head. "I still can't believe they did that."<br>"Finn", Kurt said and straightened out his back again. "I guess what I'm trying to say is… yes, it hurt when you said that word, but I get why you did it and yes, in some ways I think I deserved it…"  
>"Please Kurt, for the last time, don't say that. You didn't deserve it, you didn't, just like you didn't deserve to be treated like this. I swear to God, if I would still have been in there I would have kicked their asses."<br>Kurt smiled.  
>"Thanks. But honestly, Blaine kind of did kick their asses in a way when he asked me to dance after Dave ran out."<br>"Karofsky?"  
>"He ran out when we were supposed to do the prom king and queen dance", Kurt explained.<br>"They tried to make you dance with Karofsky? Oh shit, just kill me now. Bro, you had a rough night."  
>Kurt tittered a little and sighed. He lifted the crown off his head and observed it in his hands.<br>"Yes, that I certainly did. But honestly", he said and turned his gaze to Finn, "the only thing I'm really worrying about right now is trying to explain this to my dad. This is like a combination of his two biggest no-noes – people bullying me, and my tiara collection expanding."  
>"Your <em>what<em>?"  
>"My tiara collection in my hope chest", Kurt sighed, not expecting Finn to understand a word he just said. "You know, he actually took my car away after he found it. He wasn't always this supportive of my… flamboyancies."<br>"I have no idea what you're talking about. Dude I love you and all, but I sure don't get you sometimes."  
>"Nah, that's okay. Let's go home. We do have some pretty awkward things to tell our parents. It's better to just get it on with."<br>"Yeah, I suppose."  
>Kurt carefully placed the crown back on his head and got up from the bench in a simultaneous move with Finn. They walked side by side to the parking lot, knowing that the hardships of this night were not finished just yet. <p>


End file.
